My Intensivist

There really is not a good way to describe him and what he means in my life. I have tried to name this in my head and my heart, and always come away speechless. And that is no easy task really, to render me without voice. He is a force. A reminder. A firebrand. A cattle prod. A friend. He has a softer side, but he doesn’t use it much. Sometimes we both forget it’s there. He came out of nowhere to shatter my peace. And gave to me the strength that I somehow already thought I had. The word I have settled on: intensivist.

He is like my doctor in the ICU, the one who makes sure that all systems are going and accounted for. The one who guarantees that the sickest of patients get the care they need and are well rested for the journey of recovery. And yes, he is intense. Follows his own dreams and lives for himself. Demands that I do the same. Kindles the fire and then sticks around to stoke the flames. I like that in a person. I need it too.

It’s complicated. Life always is. And things that are worthwhile are not easy or processed like Kraft American singles. German cheeses are strong of course, like a cambozola or the infamous adopted limburger. There is nothing delicate about this man, either.

Except when there is. There are moments when he forgets himself and lets me in. A moment of serenity, perhaps, to stare at a river, or the telling of a long lost story or sharing of an inside joke. Sometimes I wish I could have more of this. I would buy him emotions like you purchase crayons: eleven different shades of blue maybe, or a box of 64 with sharpener included. He has trouble with that part, the showing of his true colors.

But mostly I just appreciate him. Worry about him. Care about him. It is a decision to take a chance and be a friend and link a soul to mine. There is no dictionary definition for what we have. And I am glad. I enjoy the adventure and the intensity of it, and the silence. Some people might call him stoic, but I know a little about the man behind the mask. And I am grateful to have an intensivist like him on my side.